14 Years…Gratitude is the only word I can use to describe today. A sincere and deep Gratitude. Gratitude that I was heard even though I could not speak. Protected and granted Life, a second chance at breathing; even if I could not walk or expand my lungs to just take one more breath… It took me 14 Years to let go of Judgement. Fear of Judgement. Deep wounds about something that is truly remarkable and a Testament that the Light within us never leaves. Even if you Left. Even if you see no way for a Positive outcome; let alone actually walking out of something with your life. When you are in complete and utter despair. Broken and completely done. The sad thing Is we can’t even realize it ourselves; we believe we are fine.
14 years since I last stuck a needle in my arm to satisfy a hunger uncontrollably overwhelming. An Energy so strong that only few survive. It was 3% 14 years back. Today its 2% of the whole world’s populations that can stand up and say, I’m still here. I am Clean.
But this post is not about me. This post is about Gratitude so deep that it brings tears to my eyes today. Thank you for not leaving. Thank you for holding me so tight during that time. Thank you for sending Souls strong enough to carry me when I could not walk. Thank you for Surrounding me with Souls who loved me and could see my worth because I could not.
Thank you for your strength. Thank you for the courage to get to a point where it seems like a distant forgotten life maybe from another reality. I kept it a secret for 14 years. Only told the people I trust not to judge, people I knew will not say hurtful things. I lost people; friends; clients who couldn’t be associated with “people like me” if they found out that I used to Mainline. I had to endure people using the memories of it to get people to doubt me. In my ability to even take care of my Children; my Business; my Life so many lifetimes apart. No matter the time that passed. No matter the fact that I’m proof – Living Proof that You can overcome such a Trauma, believing that you will be ok, somehow, someday. It engraves in your soul that It’s a shameful thing. It makes you believe that somehow even after the miracle of getting clean; you are someone who cannot be loved.
Trust over fear. It’s a hard thing to embody in our lives. I know. I’m still learning.
A plea; please show up and help; I know I’m not worthy but please just help. Then I’ll manage. The living God, the Universe, the energy who cannot be divined; The light inside us who never leaves even if we feel utter loneliness, the Divine essence of all that exists took me and saved my life that day.
Weather its Fear, addiction, financial burdens, spiritual loneliness, mental traumas our weak Bodies; all can be overcome if you just show up and say help. Please do not let me drown. Please show the way while I try and get myself under control.
I know it’s easy to read; even after all the testaments I can give where the Living God shows up; I have fears I’m overcoming. Having 20Bucks to your name with a lifetime of responsibilities is not an easy morning to wake up to.
But I’m grateful. I’m grateful I’m here. Will we be ok? Yes, you will. I will. The light within us provides strength so unimaginable if you just trust and get out of the way. I struggle with it myself. But I can look back and point out each and every time I just totally gave in and had no options but to trust.
Even moving down to the Coast was an act of faith, inspired action, towards the purpose of my life; so sad and so lonely at that time with no direction or peace; I had to find the purpose of my existence; my gift I was supposed to leave the world with. Even if I have no idea what it is supposed to be. Not yet anyhow. I trust. That is what I’ve learned and what is left at the end of the day. Nothing else. Not for me. Trust in beyond what you can see. Trust that you will be blessed with another day. An outcome. A change to find that peace we all crave. The feeling of oneness with the whole.
I have no idea why I’m writing this post today. Really, I don’t. But I am. I just want to tell you. Whoever you are that is supposed to read this today; you are heard today and the sign you wanted is with this post. There is hope. Even if you are trying to read this with tears in your eyes like I’m trying to type without seeing the keyboard letters. Trust me. There is hope. Faith. Faith that there is a safety net even if you can grasp it. I feel your fear. I do. I know your fear. I have it too some days. It grasps you around your chest and doesn’t let go. I’m telling you just let go. You will never be alone. Its impossible to be alone with the light inside embodied with you with birth.
I also am in the Process of learning that I’m enough. It doesn’t matter what others think. It doesn’t divine you. It’s easy to read on a Facebook post or hear it on an empowering class or video, save it to your wall and try and convince yourself its true. But we are. We are what we think we are, what we believe we are, what we believe others think we are. You must look at yourself through his eyes. Not your own. Your own is blurred and muddled with energies that will destroy your soul if you can’t get to where you realize but you are enough. Your worthy of waking up each morning. Even if the world hits you 2 seconds later; know that you are worthy.
Once you are connected with the light that is within each of us, you will know you are ok. No matter the storm; no matter the earthquakes, no matter the people’s hurtful words. You are perfect. You are divinely created. You deserve to not place a needle in your arm, you are worthy enough not to pick up the next drink; you are good enough even if you can’t pay your dues; you are here.
I am enough. I was even 14 Years ago without seeing that I was. You are enough. Even if you can’t see it today.
I’m grateful; I was saved from a lifetime of Heroin; and destruction to my Soul. I wanted to Give my overwhelming gratitude today – even with the judgments of others after this post – I wanted a Public Thank you. One where Everyone knows the true strength to make it every day is not my own. I want everyone to know the Living God; the creator of what you see; the force; whatever he might be to you… He cannot be defined and is what He is; will never in this lifetime or another abandon you. He is the Breath you feel in your lungs when you finally let go… the light that surrounds your Soul when you need protection and guidance.
Thank you for finding me worthy. Thank you for giving me life.
Credits: Achievement by Alexander Nakarada: https://soundcloud.com/serpentsoundst… Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/… Music provided by Free Vibes: https://goo.gl/NkGhTg